Friday night spelled trouble, as once again I found myself reverting to some person that I have been trying all my life to discard. A person, a woman, I know that can be better. I won't go into the boring details of what occurred, but I will share some of my insight, taken straight from the life I strive for, as well as from the life that is mine.
It was at a very young age that I remember thinking, "you can be better than this...you can change the pattern, and you can pave your destiny." I am not sure of the exact age, but I can tell you, it was definitely young enough to realize that this is not the mind of a mere child, nor should these heavy thoughts be within a child.
I grew up, always pushing the limits, seeing what I could and could not slip past my parents. Just like any normal growing mind, you want to see how far you can go. Now I didn't do this, at least not in my mind, on purpose, or to increasingly annoy and perturb the rents. It was just that I was young......and now, as I watch my own children, I see that my mind was just overcrowded with other things, everything in the world, and thus the world was my playground. This made it very easy to forget, or to put a said lesson or rule aside........ only to have it slap you in the face down the road, because you didn't store it away, and repeated the same "bad" thing as before. Getting in trouble, and being yelled at.....A LOT was very common place for me, and would soon, as I grew, prove to help pave my thinking as a child, a person, and the woman I was to be.
I have never been one to have much self confidence, although the outward appearance may say otherwise. While again, I won't go into details as to why this is, I will say that growing up, my flaws or my imperfections as they were, were made very clear to me. This, forcing me to dwell on them, everyday, every night, and having me realize that I was not like "them". Everyone I saw, whether in person, television, magazines, wherever..was better than me. Not only in looks, but in mind and spirit too...it is a way of thinking that has been very difficult to shed, even to this day as I write this. However, having so many inner battles daily then and now, outwardly pushed me to hide them. I guess you could say to be the "crowd pleaser" if you will. The one that was so fun and bubbly, "there is no way she's not like us".......
This way of dealing was my comfort, my way of ignoring what I worked so hard to hide, and over the years has only come back to bite me in the ass.
Over all this time passing, and because of this deep down hidden battle, I have developed a defense mechanism, that if you saw it for the first time, you'd think I was, for lack of a better word, insane....and I mean this with all seriousness. If I feel that a person or persons are encroaching too close to my "dark hole" if you will..or that they are beginning to find me out, or have already and are poking at it....my horns raise up, and all hell is unleashed. What a horrible way to be.
Anyways, to sum this ramble up, my thought is this. I still have a long way to go, but my battle now is not to hide my insecurities anymore, but to face them head on, and to one day embrace them. As a young child once told me..."you can be better than this...you can change the pattern, and you can pave your destiny."
Thank you.
It may be a CRAZY life, but it's OUR life,
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